New-mom Erin agonized over every little decision because this new gig of motherhood was overwhelming and all-consuming. The stark contrast of what my old life was before babies to what it was with them like a shock to the system.
With each child I’ve felt more settled and found more peace with the part of me that is mother (because we all know we are mothers but we are also so much more). The part of me that is ever evolving. I know I’m allowed to be whatever I need to be and exist however I need to exist in every season. I don’t agonize anymore because I know I don’t have to. I know the answers lie within when I sit quietly and listen.
The hard phases used to leave me feeling like a failure but not anymore. Now I see them as opportunity. I’ve learned not to wish away any of the hard because I see how much the hard has made me grow from new-mom Erin to more well-seasoned-mom Erin, the change that can only be brought about by friction rather than smooth seas. Periods of drowning and then coming up for one giant breath of air that stretch the lungs and give us capacity for more.
This is the journey. This is the refiners fire. And before you know it, you blink, and you go from sitting on a bench eating ice cream with two littles on your lap and one in your belly, to finding yourself somewhere unfamiliar with double the children and animals running around and missing the days that, looking back now, felt so much simpler. So much slower (even though at the time they definitely did NOT).
I’ve still got a long ways to go but I find myself less afraid to walk into the fire these days because I want to be refined. I want to be strong enough for anything coming.
Some days I wish I could go back to this girl on the bench and tell her, “don’t worry.” You’re doing so good. This is all working together for your good. Everything is going to be ok. Beautiful things are happening and beautiful things are coming. And they are for you, too 🤟🏻